Jurassic Parody: The Musical Cast Recording

by Geekenders Theatricals

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The cast album for Jurassic Parody: The Musical!

Recorded November 7, 2015 at The Warehouse Studio in Vancouver, BC.

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released November 17, 2015

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Geekenders creates geeky theatre and events in Vancouver, BC

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Track Name: Miracle
BABY VELOCIRAPTOR 1
My daddy says I'm a miracle!

BABY VELOCIRAPTOR 2
My daddy says I'm his special little guy!

BABY VELOCIRAPTOR 3
I’m made of science

BABY VELOCIRAPTOR 4
And I am a clone

ALL BABY VELOCIRAPTORS
They say I'm a breakthrough sent down from the sky

GENNARO
The investors say that they’re getting very concerned,
They want an on­site inspection.
You have to convince me in forty eight hours.
Or they’ll pull your funding
And, you’ll, be, done!

ALL BABY VELOCIRAPTORS
Their science says I'm a miracle,
One look at my face, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day we hatched from artificial eggs,
It's been plain we’re a change for paleontology!

GENNARO
Please understand this won’t be a fun vacation,
How’s the stability of the park?
The investors told ya,
The risk is on their shoulders,
They’ve sent me as their lawyer
And I’ll shut you down!

MULDOON
One can hardly move for showoffs in science these days.
It seems that they’re making dozens of these worth­ multi­millions these days
"Safety" seems de rigueur.
I tell them carnivores are carnivores;
(aside) GO SHOOT HER,
Is it is some modern miracle of genetics,
That such vicious miracles don't scare them... the staff’s full of heretics.

GENNARO, ARNOLD, WU
John Hammond says it’s a miracle,
They’ll look at the park, and we’ll all soon see.
Ever since the day InGen thought that they should play God,
It's been clear they’ve no fear and, well, I don’t quite agree!

ARNOLD
The day they said that they made velociraptors...
I had never seen a live velociraptor
I know if we quit, they’ll just go hire some real twits,
But those velociraptors, don’t make me feel safe!

DODGSON
Don’t make eye contact, Nedry be real quiet and we’ll have a chat...

NEDRY
The role of secret agent here portrayed with such convincing hat.

DODGSON
God’s sake, Dennis, you’re a menace!

NEDRY
Real nice third class disguise, Dodgson

DODGSON
No names Nedry; use some caution!

NEDRY
We’ve got Dodgson

DODGSON
Nedry, come on!

NEDRY
Have you seen how no one cares? This has been fun, but let’s prepare.

DODGSON
Fine.

NEDRY
I’ll get your embryos, you get my million and we’re square.

DODGSON
Just please be useful.

NEDRY
I’ve got the coolant and­

DODGSON
It’s crucial.

NEDRY
Could you be a little calmer for my sake? It’s gonna be a piece of cake!

GRANT
Their evolution’s a miracle
One look at their bones, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day they lived, the cretaceous per’iod,
It's been clear there's no peer for a predator like these!
But even though they’re a miracle
Our needed funding isn’t coming though it’s critical.

ELLIE
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical.
I know there’ll be a miracle, a miracle, that we couldn’t foresee!

HAMMOND
Dr. Grant, your passion for your work restores my faith in scientists.

Each new dig site, a canvas yet unpainted
This undiscovered world
Fossilized violence
Every life is unbelievably unlikely.
The chance of evolution,
Almost infinitely small.
When I tell you this, you’ll need champagne,

I admire your restraint,
Pal’eontology’s a miracle! Miracle!

ELLIE, GRANT
We just have things booked up until the next quarter.
And the other scientists won’t understand.
Busier than you know about,
We wish that we could help you out

GRANT
With your theme park

ELLIE
Consulting...

GRANT
This is just crossing a line!

ELLIE
Well it’s just our busy time, that’s all

HAMMOND
Miracle, miracle, a miracle; you’ll see it’s a miracle,
Come with me, then you’ll see, soon it will make sense...
You know, we’ve spared no expense

(spoken) How about I fund your dig for a further three years?

GENNARO
Approval from us is unbelievably unlikely.

DODGSON
The chances of success are, almost infinitely small.

ELLIE
I guess we’ll be booking off some time!

HAMMOND
And still every single strand, every breakthrough is a miracle! Miracle! Miracle!

ALL
Everyone says it’s a miracle
One look at the facts, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day InGen thought that they should play God,
It's been plain there's a change for paleontology!

John Hammond says it’s a miracle
That they’re breaking science rules just like the Berlin Wall.
You can’t be all cynical, ‘cause it's a truth empirical.
This will be a miracle, a miracle, in paleontolo ...!

MALCOLM (spoken)
So you two dig up dinosaurs?

ALL
Gy!
Track Name: A-G-T
MR. DNA
Let's start at the very beginning ­ a very good place to start.
When you sing, you may start with Do Re Me,
But when you clone, you begin with AGT.

HAMMOND
AGT?

MR. DNA
AGT. The first three bases just happen to be AGT.

HAMMOND
AGT.

MR. DNA
AGTCGTC...

(spoken) Maybe I should make it easier for you.

A, of course, for Adenine
T, for Thymine as its pair
C, of course, for Cytosine
And G, for Guanine as is fair

First, mosquitoes, like today
Bit some dinosaurs back then
Thus, we extract DNA
And we sequence it and then, oh then, it's...

A, to start a T-­rex code
C, velociraptor's claws
G, it's swell to make a clone
T, and play with nature's laws...
Track Name: Eating All the Kids
HAMMOND
Now you see what we have done ­,
A dino park, won’t that be fun?
Think of all that lies ahead,
All these creatures once were dead!

Now watch, this raptor dance team, (they’re not as rough as they seem)
Safely behind this fence (we spared no expense!)

Yes it's true they're dinosaurs
And soon they too will be on tours
Folks’ll flip their lids!

RAPTORS
Eating all the kids!

HAMMOND
(spoken) No! No! Uh...

Ignore scorn and superstition,
From that corny chaotician,
Who forbids...

RAPTORS
Eating all the kids!

HAMMOND
(spoken) What, no, no!

Compared to us, the best theme park is crummy.
C'mon this is your chance, don't be a dummy.

RAPTORS
Kids are yummy!

HAMMOND
Ingen's new developments
Must mean that you can see the sense;
This park’s the best!

RAPTORS
Wanna eat a guest!

HAMMOND
Jurassic Park will be my greatest venture!
And every visit will be an adventure! (Barring censure.)

So you see the park is waiting,
There can be no hesitating, have a ball!

RAPTORS
Wanna eat you all!
Track Name: Let Me Show You the Park
GUIDE
Let me show you the park,
Arms and hands keep inside, please,
As we go for our ride these critters
Might just want a bite.

If you'll look just ahead,
You'll see we've got a big door,
You will love what is in store
If you'll just look to your right,

Jurassic Park!
A place that time has left behind.
It's an amazing show, where e'er you go,
At least until the screaming

(GRANT: What?­)

Jurassic Park!
So many dinosaurs to see,
Though you don’t see them there,
They’re here somewhere
Jurassic Park is where you want to be! (KIDS: Jurassic Park is where we want to be!)

Dilophosaurus is next,
When these creatures hunt their prey
Acid spit is what they spray
Into badly blinded eyes!

(GENNARO: Acid sprayed in your eyes?!)

Jurassic Park!
So many wond’rous things to see!

(MALCOLM: Not so much on this tour.)

Dinosaurs big and small
You’ll see them all.
It’s so much more than you’ll find at Disney!

KIDS
Jurassic Park!

(ELLIE: Look! Triceratops, guys.)

GUIDE
So many wondr’ous things to do!

(MALCOLM: And now sud’nly we’re fewer.)

Memories to create;
Photos are great!
And check out the Park’s great giftshop too.

Jurassic Park! (KIDS: Jurassic Park!)
You’ve heard the song! (KIDS: We’ve heard the song!)
So have some fun! (KIDS: Until we’re done.)
And things go... wrong.
Track Name: Feed Me
T-REX
Feed me!

LEX
What happened to the goat?!

T-REX
Feed me!

GENNARO
Maybe that’s the power trying to come back on?

T-REX
Feed me!

GENNARO
Oh, Jesus, Jesus!

T-REX
Feed me people
Feed me all night long
Like right now! You can do it
Feed me people
Feed me all night long [laugh]

'Cause if you feed me people
I can grow up big and strong

GENNARO
(Spoken) My parents wanted me to be an orthodontist!
How have my choices led me here?!

LEX
(Spoken) He left us. He left us alone! Dr. Grant! He left us! He left us! He left us!

T-REX:
Would I like a chaotician
Or a couple of children?
It’s not really a competition
I’m gonna get it

How'd ya like to be an hors d’ouerve?
Open that car and dinner is served
It’s time that I have what I deserve
I’m gonna get it

I've been waiting
I've been bored
I've been eating goats

Now’s my chance, we’ll feed me and
You know I wanna hunt
The kind of... let’s be blunt
The kinda food that I want down my throat

Come on, people
Come on outside
I’ve been jonesing, don’t you try to leave me denied
You can’t escape me,
I’ve gotta confide
That I’ll get it

GENNARO
Oh no, oh no
I have so, so many strong reservations
The investors will withdraw their donations!

T-REX
(Spoken) You didn't know nothin' till you met me. Come on, folks, you think you’ll flee? Chaos? Kids? Paleontology? How 'bout that lawyer? Think it over... Just tell me where he went, real quiet like, and get me some lunch!

They’ve set you up to be the fall guy
Now get ready, time for goodbye!
People might say that it’s your purpose to fry
I’m gonna get it

GRANT
Kids, their eyesight’s based on movement
Research about skull structure proved it
Keepin’ really still would be an improvement

TREX
Oh, I’ll get it

If you want to be profound
If you really gotta justify
Take a breath and look around
I’d say lawyers deserve to die

GENNARO
(spoken) Wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s not a very nice thing to say!

TREX
(spoken) But it’s true, isn’t it?

GENNARO
(spoken) No! I’m a nice guy!

TREX
(spoken) Mmmm, too bad. Every other character serves the plot in some way.

MALCOLM
(spoken) Hey! HEY! Look over here! Look at me! I’m delicious!

GRANT
(spoken) Ian! DON’T MOVE!!

TREX/MALCOLM

If you wanna rationale
It isn’t very hard to see
S​top and think it over, pal

TREX
The guy sure looks like Rex food to me

MALCOLM
The guy sure looks like Rex food to me

TREX/MALCOLM
The guy sure looks like Rex food to me

MALCOM
My meat’s tasty eatin’, not tough

TREX
Try just to relax and then it won’t be so rough

MALCOLM
You need blood and I’ve got more than enough

TREX
I need blood and you’ve got more than enough

TREX/MALCOLM
You/I need blood and you’ve/I’ve got more than enough!

TREX
Now I’ll get it!
Track Name: Studying Bones
Five hundred twenty five million years ago­oh
Five hundred twenty five million years in the past
Five hundred twenty five million years ago­oh
How did dinosaurs evolve at last?

Mo­le­cules, made compounds
That started, proliferating
Then crawling, breathing, evolving, for sure
That’s five hundred twenty five million years ago­oh
How do we measure, what dinosaurs were?

How about bones?
How about bones?
How about bones?

Measure in bones
Study their bones (bones)
Studying bones (bones)

Five hundred twenty five thousand minutes on camera
Five hundred twenty five million dollars to make
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred sequels
How do you measure the scope of a box office take?

The fans on their knees
And Chris Pratt in his prime
More dino movies than the Land Before Time

It's time now, for act two
‘Cause everyone’s waiting
Let's celebrate Jurassic World two in 2018

Remember the bones
(Oh, you got to, you got to remember the bones)
Remember the bones
(You know that bones are the way to dino clones)
Remember the bones
(Find bones, dig bones, make clones)
Measure in bones
(Measure, measure science in bones)

Studying bones
Study their bones
(Measure their life, measure their life with bones)
Track Name: Toxic Goo
NEDRY:
(Spoken)
Oh god. This rain.

Too wet. Can't see...

Not good. My car!

What's that... Can't be...

DILOPHOSAUR 1
Look at us ­- four feet tall
Don't look like raptors at all
Let us close ­- we're so tame
If you don't recall our name... Listen up. Listen up.

DILOPHOSAUR 2
Here’s the thing ­- dilophosaurus.
That's the name you folks use for us.
Carnivores, we spit to stun our prey
So they're blind and paralyzed and can't just run away...

DILOPHOSAUR 3
You're in a pickle ­- you've crashed your fancy car
You've lost your glasses, and you don't know where you are
But we're so friendly, we couldn't be a threat
You haven't seen a thing to make you dread us yet...

ALL DILOPHOSAURS
Pouring rain ­- acid spit.
Sorry, Dennis - you're in deep shit.
You can't see us, but we're up above;
Gifting you our toxic love

DILOPHOSAUR 2
Y'see now, Nedry, it's good that you were hasty
Behind these fences, the humans look so tasty.

DILOPHOSAUR 3
We're quite delighted, bud, that you aren't any thinner
This way there's lots of you to pass around for dinner!

DILOPHOSAUR 1
Hit him one time, girls... Oooh, hit him twice.
Watch him scream...mmmm.. That's rather nice.

ALL DILOPHOSAURS
Blinded by our toxic goo
Now the curtain falls for you
Serves you right, 'cause, after dark
We're what rules Jurassic Park.
Track Name: These Two
GRANT
How did I get in this situation?
How, at this place, did I arrive?
What precisely was my motivation?

KIDS
You kept us all alive!

GRANT
Okay. So now that we’re all here.
It’s coming very clear, this I fear.

Seems like I might be
Up a da­rn tree.
Stuck with those two.

Just what I dread on
An excursion ­
Stuck with those two.

Just like before,
hard to ignore 'em,
‘cause they seem to like me.

Ellie says it’s good,
but I don’t think I should
Have children to deal with,
Share a meal with,
But, there’s these two.

Running a daycare,
In a nightmare
Stuck with these two.

So see?
We three,
In the worst place we could be for,
Paleontology, and stuck with these two too!

KIDS
Gee, Dr. Grant, we
Sure are happy!

GRANT
Stuck with these two!

KIDS:
Someone to guide us,
Calm and hide us.

GRANT
Stuck with these two.

I’m not your Dad ­
Still, you’re not bad kids,
Compared to some others.
Children are a curse...
But still, things could be worse,

So, let’s be on our way ­
Hope the fence stays off
Or we'll be toast!

(KIDS: What?)
GRANT
Kidding!

Out of the forest,
Then we’ll head west
Back to the coast.

Could be ,
We’ll see,
I’m thinking possibly that

KIDS
We two...

GRANT
Plus me..
Can get back to safety!
Track Name: Raptor Chase
Isla Nublar
My heart's devotion
Let’s sink it back in the ocean

Always the hurricanes blowing
The dino population growing

Reaping what they’re sowing
And electric fences
Sharpening our senses

I want to snack on some children
(I know you do)
Time to attack
And let’s get them!

I like to be in Jurassic Park
Fun to be free in Jurassic Park!
Humans can’t see in the rain and dark
So they fear me in Jurassic Park!

Escaping from our cage is so nice
You should give up;
Take our advice
We’ll rule the world with our spliced genes
What? Won't you calm down you drama queen?
(spoken) Don't you tell me to calm down! Ribbit!
(spoken) So embarrassing!
(spoken) Oh my God, Janine, what is your damage?

We’ll still chase you in Jurassic Park
Make you into stew in Jurassic Park
You’ll be all chewed in Jurassic Park
This is our debut in Jurassic Park

Humans are rude when being chased
Kitchen doors slamming in our face
I think that we could have been friends
Now it’s too late to make amends

It’s better here in Jurassic Park
Be what they fear in Jurassic Park
I gave a cheer when the fence went dark
To let us run in Jurassic Park

We’ll douse you in barbecue sauce
(TIM: Here guys, take Lex, she’s no great loss)
Drinking Mai Tais out of your heads
(LEX: Eat Tim, he’s crunchy and wets beds)

RAPTORS
Kids on the run in Jurassic Park,
Give us some fun in Jurassic Park
Cook ‘til well­-done in Jurassic Park
Good on a bun in Jurassic Park

Look at you humans cower there
Only two children, so we’ll share.
Time now for you to disappear
We’re tired of chasing, now come here
Track Name: I Dreamed a Park
HAMMOND
There was a time when science ruled
When my doctors were skilled
In their DNA splicing

There was a time when I was fooled
Into seeing no flaw
In all that slicing and dicing

There was a time...
Then it all went wrong.

I dreamed a park of epic scale
Where I'd have long dead things still living.

I thought my dream could never fail
Now I just hope the world's forgiving.

Then I was rich, and unafraid
That my grandchildren would be eaten.

There was no price that was not paid
No challenge that could stay unbeaten.

But the raptors came at night.
Clever girls and vicious killers.

As they tore my staff apart.
I was watching my park die.

My lawyer died upon the john.
Some levity within this thriller.

One quick T­rex *gulp*, then he's gone!
And so I bid my dream goodbye!

And still I dream this park could be
With all the creatures we’ve created
(One day more)

But there are dreams that cannot be
And legal fees we cannot weather

I had a dream this park would be
A place of wonder and excitement
With much less pain and loss of life
But this is not the place I dreamed.
Track Name: Jurassic Park Finale
It’s after dark,
It’s quite a lark,
Jurassic Park.

Spared no expense.
Check out the electric fence!
Hear the dinosaurs, hear their song.
What could possibly go wrong?

They’re female, can’t reproduce,
but oh no - now they are loose!
All these dinosaurs now they're free,
and they’re coming after me.

All these dinosaurs, giant dinosaurs
And they rule Jurassic Park.
All these dinosaurs, big­-ass dinosaurs
They come out after dark!

So if you do ask me,
This proves my chaos theory.
All these dinosaurs, big and tall
We have to outrun them all.

Nature will find a way,
but I’d blame Newman any day
All these dinosaurs, small and large.
It’s now them who are left in charge!

All these dinosaurs, giant dinosaurs
And they rule Jurassic Park.
All these dinosaurs, big­ass dinosaurs
They come out after dark!

‘Cause of dinosaurs we are dino­-sore.

We are screwed!
We are dino food!