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Why Can't the Subjects Learn Their Test Initiative?

from Portal 2: The (Unauthorized) Musical Cast Album by Geekenders

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lyrics

WHEATLEY
Look at her, a prisoner of Aperture,
Incensed by every moment of her capture
I think you should start testing best you can,
But you can start by saying ‘apple’ for my scan.

CHELL
(jumps)

WHEATLEY
‘Apple’!
Heavens! Like it’s hard!
This is what the human population,
Think is reasonable communication.

ADVENTURE CORE
I think you picked a bad example, pal.

WHEATLEY
Did I?
See them down in chamber five,
Most of them are still alive.
Placing portals anywhere they like.
Have you seen one pass a test?

SPACE CORE
Space space space space space space space!

WHEATLEY
No one taught him ‘yes’ or ‘no’ instead of ‘space’!
Talk to test-subjects, or worse, hear space-obsessed cores converse.
I’d rather hear a choir singing flat.
Chickens, cackling in a barn, just like this one.

FACT CORE
At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch.

WHEATLEY
The Dutch!?
I ask you, Chell, what sort of fact is that?
These cores need rails to keep them in their place
We get it, you want to be in space
If it’s not damaged overmuch, just try to use your head.
You know this place is dangerous, and it will kill you dead.
Don’t you persist in playing mute,
Work with me, love, you’ll pull through,
Or you might end up pushing daisies, too!

CHELL
I beg your pardon!

WHEATLEY
Oh, you can talk! How relieving. You must try to understand me,
If you try hard, and keep your head down,
That would just be dandy.
One passing subject I’m afraid we’ll never test.
Oh, why can’t the subjects learn to
rest a little instead of
getting cores like me in trouble?
Mostly they do their testing in their ‘bubble’.
There even are places where science completely disappears.
At Black Mesa, they haven’t used it for years!

Why can’t the subjects learn their test initiative?
They mess around with portals; that’s how they try to live.
In tests every subject should know their gels from orange to blue…
The subjects never care what they do, actually, as long as they make the biggest mess they can.

Some subjects shoot their portals with the speed of summer lightning. The control group does it backwards,
which is absolutely frightening.
But try to help with testing, you’re regarded as a pest.
Why can’t the subjects,
Why can’t the subjects learn to test

credits

from Portal 2: The (Unauthorized) Musical Cast Album, released March 13, 2015
Graeme Thompson as Wheatley
Stephen Blakley as the Adventure Core
Rael Linford as the Space Core
Andrew Lynch as the Fact Core
Erin Mudry as Chell

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Geekenders Vancouver, British Columbia

Geekenders creates geeky theatre and events in Vancouver, BC

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