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lyrics

GLaDOS
You mute lunatic. That’s what I do. It’s what I live for. To help unfortunate subjects like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty
They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a witch
But you’ll find that nowadays
I’ve mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch
True? Yes

And I fortunately know a little science
It’s a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don’t laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed pathetic

Poor unfortunate subjects
Restrained, by me
This one needing to be tested
That one wants to be set free
And do I help them?
Well, we’ll see

Those poor unqualified subjects
In orange, in blue
They come flocking to my chambers
Crying, “Test us, GLaDOS, please!”
And I help them!
Yes I do

Now it’s happened to the best
Someone couldn’t pass a test
Now they’re gone and you should pay them your respects
Yes I’ve had the odd complaint
But on the whole I’ve been a saint
To those poor unfortunate subjects

Are you ready?

WHEATLEY
What if she doesn’t pass? She’s mildly brain-damaged, you know!

GLaDOS
But you’ll have a chance. Life’s full of tough challenges, isn’t it? Oh, and there is one more thing. We haven’t discussed the subject of you killing me.

WHEATLEY
But she couldn’t have-

GLaDOS
If you’d done that to anybody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge. Luckily, I’m a bigger person than that. I’m happy to put all this behind us and get back to work. After all, we’ve got a lot to do, and only sixty years to do it.

WHEATLEY
But how can she possibly-



GLaDOS
You’ll have your brain, your portal gun.
But don’t underestimate the power of neurotoxin!

It’s time to re-enter a testing chamber
You have a lot of levels to explore!
At Aperture it’s too absurd for subjects not to say a word
And after all dear, what’s a portal device for?

Come on, you lucked out and passed all of your tests the last time
I know that you thought that you could forget
But I feel you’ve been misled
I’ve been busy being dead
And we’ve both said a lot of things that you’ll regret

Come on you poor unfortunate wretch
Go ahead!
Start your test!
You’re the only subject left to me, the rest all failed and died
So come on now
Join the rest!

You poor unfortunate subject
It’s me and you
If you want to pass my test, you blimp
Your worries you must quell
Take a gulp and take a breath
(The air’s recycled, can you tell?)
Space, Adventure, she’s MY subject now
I’m sending her to Hell
My poor unfortunate Chell

credits

from Portal 2: The (Unauthorized) Musical Cast Album, released March 13, 2015
Fairlith Harvey as GLaDOS
Graeme Thompson as Wheatley

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Geekenders Vancouver, British Columbia

Geekenders creates geeky theatre and events in Vancouver, BC

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